In February of 2008, Heath and I decided it was time to start trying for Baby #2. Ella had just turned 2 and it was time to start thinking it might be time if we want them to be close in age. Also in February, at about the same time we had just started discussing this, God very clearly called Heath and I to go on a mission trip to Sudan, Africa that would be for 2 weeks in July. We felt so undeniably called to go on this trip that we decided the baby making would have to wait until after we got back. We actually joked about starting to try in Africa and then if we found out we got pregnant we could name our baby Sahara or something really Africany. But then we got to Africa and saw are living conditions for the next 2 weeks and immediately knew that was NOT going to happen. You know what I’m saying? That’s just wrong.
Anyway…so after we got home from Africa, we were full of joy and excitement as we started this journey. And as the months kept going by and by and by and each month was full of negative pregnancy tests that joy and excitement faded quickly away in my mind.
You see, Ella, was not exactly planned, not at all…not even a little bit. It was against all odds that we got pregnant for two reasons:
1. We were being careful.
2. I don’t exactly have the most regular periods and from what I had heard that probably means I’m not ovulating very often .
But it’s because of those two reasons that it is SO evident to me of God’s timing and will for that to have happened when it did. And never once has that been doubted!
(Also, I later found out that Amanda and her mom had been diligently praying for Amanda to have a pregnancy buddy and I’m so thankful that God chose me for that, along with our good friend Sunni!)
So you can imagine our surprise when that test result (the first pregnancy test I had ever taken) was positive. I thought, surely I did something wrong while taking it. In fact, Heath was in such a state of shock he sat on the bathroom floor for about 10 minutes staring blankly at the directions looking for some kind of error. However, after a couple of hours went by and it started to sink in, we were like little kids in a candy store overflowing with excitement!
Even though I still to this day struggle with #2 on that list, I honestly did not think we would have a problem getting pregnant. We certainly didn’t with Ella, so why would something be different this time.
I had never heard of women who can’t get pregnant with their second child until I was doing some research about 9 months ago and came across this.
What is secondary infertility?
Secondary infertility simply means problems getting pregnant or sustaining pregnancy in a woman who has had a child previously. In some ways, women describe it as painful as primary infertility, because:
1. The causes of infertility are even more mysterious, since they have had a child before.
2. They don't usually have the support and empathy of others dealing with primary infertility, or even friends and family, because they are presumed to not have a fertility problem.
3. They don't know how to explain to their child that she or he may not have a sibling.
One of the most important factors to remember for those who can't understand why they are unable to achieve a pregnancy as easily as their first child is that, by definition, they are older now, and fertility diminishes with age. Furthermore, they may have always been of lower fertility, but had a lucky break the first time they had a child. Either way, secondary infertility can be extremely painful, but for most, is finally resolved with the birth of another child.
My thoughts immediately snowballed from there as I pondered the possibility of me having secondary infertility. I’ve been through fear and sadness but also have had peace. Looking back at how clearly God’s plan for Ella was has brought me immense amounts of peace. It is a great reminder for me that God has a plan!!! He had a plan. That was all part of His plan and this is all part of His plan.
This past 1 ½ years I’ve been studying a lot on waiting, the strength God gives us as we wait. I’ve studied a lot on Abraham and Sarah and the YEARS they waited for Isaac. I’ve read every passage there is on God opening women’s wombs like Hannah, Ruth, Rachel, & Rebekah. I love the story of Rebekah because it says that her husband, Jacob, prayed to the Lord on her behalf because she was barren. Such an amazing picture!
Medically we have not gone there yet. Heath and I haven’t had the slew of tests done on us or started any type of fertility treatment. I have not felt a peace about going in that direction yet. It might come but as of right now I feel the Lord is telling me to hold off on that.
We did, however, recently go through two months of homeopathic treatment where Heath and I were seeing a holistic doctor and going through acupressure and acupuncture. I also had to drink these crazy disgusting herbs 3 times a day for a month. (I have a video of me taking my last one that I will have to post one day so you can at least see how gross it is.) I did make several of my close friends and family try the herbs so they could testify to the disgustingness of them.
So what now?
That’s the question my heart is asking. Where do we go from here God? You know my desire. You know the desire of my husband’s heart. Even though Ella has not voiced wanting a sibling, (which I am so thankful for) you know she desires that, if not now, in the future she will want that.
I believe this is part of the “what now”. Me writing this for all of you to see…my blogging peeps. I’ve kept this silent for so long. When I’m feeling really down about it though, I have reached out to my group of close friends that are each other’s prayer warriors. But I know that I’m not the only one dealing with this or a similar situation. I would love to know your story!! I do not take Galatians 6:2 lightly. “Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
Here in just the last few weeks, I have started feeling a new stirring of joy and excitement building up in my spirit. I feel like God is about to take Heath and I on a journey, an adventure, and I want you all to be a part of it. Mainly because we NEED your prayers. But also so God can be glorified in this story that He is writing for us.
Please know that this is hard for me to put out there. I just don’t talk about it much to anyone, family or friends. But I feel so strongly about this blogging community we have. There have been several times over the past few years that many of you have reached out to me and have shown such kindness of heart and words of encouragement that I feel comfortable sharing our deepest longings and desires with you all.
So I thank you in advance. I love you and I will keep you continually updated on this journey.